Why Couples Stop Having Sex (A Therapist's Honest Answer)

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⚡ Quick Verdict

Best for: Couples who know something is off but can't quite name it — and want a structured way to reconnect without immediately jumping into therapy.

Not ideal for: Couples dealing with active infidelity, untreated addiction, or serious relational trauma — those situations need more than an app.

The real fix: A combination of honest conversation, possibly OurRitual for guided exercises, and (if needed) a couples therapist.

Bottom line: Sexlessness in a long-term relationship is almost never about sex. Understanding why is the first — and most important — step.

Let me start with something my clients tell me all the time, usually in a hushed voice like they're confessing a crime:

"We haven't had sex in... a while."

And then they wait for me to look horrified.

I don't. Because it is shockingly common. Studies suggest that somewhere between 15–20% of couples in long-term relationships are in what researchers call a "sexless marriage" (typically defined as sex fewer than 10 times a year). And a whole lot more are having sex far less than they'd like — or less than they used to — and quietly wondering what went wrong.

So let's talk about it. Honestly. Without shame. Like adults who deserve actual answers.

Why Do Couples Stop Having Sex? The Real Reasons

Here's the thing about sexual disconnection: it's almost never just about sex. Sex in a relationship is more like a symptom readout — when it fades, it's usually pointing at something else going on underneath.

1. Life got in the way (and nobody hit the reset button)

Kids. Work stress. Aging parents. That home renovation that took three years. Life has a way of slowly swallowing up the time and energy couples used to put into their relationship. This is the most common reason I hear — and it's also the one people minimize most, because it feels too mundane to count as a real problem. But mundane doesn't mean harmless. Months of "too tired tonight" can quietly calcify into a pattern that feels impossible to break.

2. Emotional distance has moved in

For most people — especially women — emotional safety and physical intimacy are deeply linked. You cannot feel unseen, unheard, criticized, or resentful all week and then expect to magically switch into desire mode on Saturday night. When couples stop processing conflict effectively, or when one or both partners start feeling like roommates rather than lovers, the body often responds by simply not being interested. It's not a personal rejection. It's a nervous system doing exactly what it's supposed to do.

3. Hormonal changes and midlife shifts

Perimenopause and menopause are real libido disruptors — and wildly undertalked about. Dropping estrogen can mean vaginal dryness, decreased desire, more difficulty with arousal, and a general sense of "meh" about the whole enterprise. Testosterone decline in men (and yes, it happens to women too) can similarly flatten drive. I'll be writing a whole separate piece on perimenopause and libido because this topic deserves more than a paragraph. But the short version: if you're in your 40s or 50s and things have shifted, your hormones are probably involved.

4. The relationship has become a logistics operation

You talk about the kids' schedules, the grocery list, who called the plumber. What you don't talk about is anything that makes you feel like a person who has desires, dreams, or a personality beyond household co-manager. Couples who stop dating each other — even informally — tend to stop seeing each other as romantic partners. The erotic and the functional can coexist, but only if you actively protect space for both.

5. A wound that never fully healed

Sometimes couples stop having sex after a specific event — a miscarriage, a health crisis, a betrayal, a brutal fight that felt unresolvable. The sex stopped as a response to pain, and nobody talked about it directly enough to restart the engine. Grief and trauma are intimacy killers, and they deserve acknowledgment — not just a strategy to "get back to normal."

6. One (or both) partners is dealing with mental health struggles

Depression tanks libido. Anxiety keeps the nervous system in hypervigilance mode, which is not conducive to pleasure. ADHD affects emotional regulation and follow-through in ways that impact intimacy. Many medications — including some antidepressants, hormonal birth control, and blood pressure meds — can significantly dampen sexual desire. If you're wondering why you're not in the mood and nothing else makes sense, talk to your doctor or therapist.

A Therapist's Take: What's Really Going On

In my work with couples, I've noticed something consistent: when sexual intimacy fades, there's almost always a conversation that hasn't been had yet. Not about sex specifically — but about needs, fears, resentments, or longings that have been sitting in a pile, quietly composting.

The couples who find their way back to each other aren't the ones who suddenly got more time or more energy. They're the ones who got more honest. That's uncomfortable work. It requires vulnerability, and it requires both people to be willing to look at their own part — not just point fingers.

If you're not ready for couples therapy (or even if you are, and want something for between sessions), I've found that structured tools can help couples start having those conversations in a lower-stakes way. OurRitual offers therapist-designed exercises for exactly this kind of guided reconnection work — I've recommended it to couples who want structured prompts for rebuilding emotional and physical intimacy. It's not a replacement for therapy when things are really off, but it's a genuinely useful bridge.

And for couples who want to understand more about desire, pleasure, and what actually works for women's bodies — OMGYes is the most research-based, shame-free resource I know of. It's not couples therapy. But understanding each other's bodies better is rarely a bad idea.

How to Start Reconnecting (Without Making It Weird)

Here's what doesn't work: one partner deciding Things Need To Change and then announcing this to the other with all the warmth of a performance review.

Here's what tends to actually work:

Start with curiosity, not complaint. Instead of "we never have sex anymore," try "I've been missing feeling close to you — can we talk about what's gotten in the way?" One opens a door. The other slams it.

Take sex off the table temporarily. This sounds counterintuitive, but removing performance pressure often allows genuine desire to come back. Focus on physical affection — non-sexual touch, holding hands, kissing that doesn't have to lead anywhere — and see what emerges.

Address the thing under the thing. Nine times out of ten, the bedroom is reflecting something from the living room. What conversations are you avoiding?

Get support. A couples therapist, a structured app like OurRitual, a good book — whatever format works for both of you. This is not a problem that resolves itself through willpower alone.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is it normal for couples to stop having sex?

More common than most people realize — research suggests 15–20% of long-term couples are in a functionally sexless relationship (fewer than 10 times per year). It's not a moral failure, and it doesn't mean your relationship is over. But it usually does mean something in the relationship needs attention. Normalizing the experience while still taking it seriously is the most useful starting point.

Can a marriage survive without sex?

Technically yes — some couples are happily asexual or have mutually agreed on a non-sexual partnership that works for both of them. But in most cases, when sexual intimacy fades without mutual agreement, at least one partner ends up feeling lonely, rejected, or resentful. The key word is "mutual." Sustained sexual disconnection usually warrants an honest conversation about whether both people's needs are being met.

Why do couples stop having sex after having kids?

Having kids is one of the most common inflection points for sexual dry spells — and for completely understandable reasons. Physical recovery, sleep deprivation, the complete reconfiguration of identity and roles, and the fact that babies are basically tiny need-machines leaves very little bandwidth for intimacy. Most couples can and do reconnect sexually after the early child-rearing years, but it often requires conscious effort and intentionality rather than waiting for it to happen naturally.

How long is too long without sex in a relationship?

There's no magic number — what matters is whether both partners are okay with the frequency (or lack of frequency). That said, if one or both of you is unhappy with the current situation, "how long" is less important than "why is this happening and what do we want to do about it." Avoiding the conversation for months or years tends to create deeper disconnection than the original issue.

Can stress cause a sexless marriage?

Absolutely. Chronic stress suppresses libido directly (via cortisol) and indirectly (by depleting energy, increasing irritability, and reducing the emotional safety that makes desire possible). Financial stress, job insecurity, health anxiety, and caregiver burnout are particularly common libido-killers. If your relationship became sexless during or after a stressful period, that context matters enormously.

Should I see a sex therapist or a couples therapist?

If the issue seems primarily relational — disconnection, conflict, communication breakdown — a couples therapist is a great starting point. If the issue involves specific sexual difficulties (desire disorders, pain, arousal issues, mismatched preferences), a certified sex therapist or a therapist with specialized training in sexuality may be more helpful. Many therapists do both. OurRitual is a good lower-stakes starting point if you're not ready to sit in an office with a stranger.

Does perimenopause cause low sex drive?

Yes — and significantly. The hormonal shifts of perimenopause (which can start in your late 30s or early 40s, well before actual menopause) include declining estrogen and testosterone, both of which play a role in sexual desire and arousal. Physical symptoms like vaginal dryness can make sex uncomfortable or painful, which creates its own avoidance cycle. If you're noticing changes in your libido alongside other perimenopause symptoms, this is absolutely worth discussing with your doctor and possibly a therapist who works with midlife women.